This one is a little different than anything which i have written so far as rather than covering my thoughts on a particular fetish, or club, or website, it

covers what is in essence a review of me, of who i am, and of who i am becoming.  i am not always great at putting my emotions into words but i promise you

that whilst writing this i have laughed, i have cried, i have felt sad and stupid and i have also felt very happy…..  so as a result it is a little more

heart felt and subjective than what i would normally write.  i just hope that it actually makes sense to those who read it…..

Its been all change for me over the past week.  Last weekend…..  after i had almost jokingly made a comment about being jealous of Mistresses long nails

which she recently had done at the salon she said to me that if i was to be christina full time then i would be able to have my nails done again.  i wasn’t

sure at this time if Mistress was being serious or not…. We had discussed me being christina full time last year before i moved to Kent and i had wanted to

broach this subject for some time since i became her live-in slave, but for whatever reason the timing never seemed right and i wasn’t even convinced that

this was what Mistress wanted or if it was just a ‘carrot on a stick’ in order to keep me on the straight and narrow….  But on Tuesday night, whilst her

friend was over for the drink, she mentioned the subject again.

i am still not quite sure how Tuesdays conversation started, but i do remember Mistress telling her friend that she did not think of me as a boy, but instead

thought of me as a girl and didn’t know why i had not yet become christina full time because i was ‘emotional like a women’ even when i was paul, and also

because i just seemed happier as christina….. which as a result made me less sulky and much less argumentative in my day to day life.  As a result, instead

of spending all day resenting the fact that i wasn’t christina, and just wishing for the day to draw to a close so that i could indulge myself, i would

instead get up earlier in the morning in order to make sure that i was fully dressed and made up (in normal everyday female clothing and lighter daytime

makeup) so that i would be ready to start my working day for 7am.

Since that point…..  and its not long i know…..  paul has ceased to exist and christina has now completely taken over who i am.  The change has been made

much easier as everybody who knows us also knows about my situation… the fact i’m heavily involved in the bdsm scene and lifestyle, that i am Mistresses

live-in slave, that i was both christina and paul.  So i already had a fantastic support network available to me.

i’m not saying that the past few days have not been nerve wracking…..  there are obviously neighbours, local shop keepers and the like (who may or may not

have seen me dressed on the way to photo shoots and clubs or later at night when i was normally christina) who now rather than wondering what i was….. or

indeed if it was me, would now now that paul and christina were the same person.

i have suffered a little bit of heckling… mainly from local teenage boys with the shouts of ‘tranny’….. i am not quite sure if they think that i am not

aware of what i am and therefore they feel the need to make sure that i know that i’m a t-girl…. maybe next time i will just shout ’shit….. i’ve put the

wrong fucking clothes on again….. my bad’ and run back into the house… just to see what the reaction is.  In fact why stop there, maybe we can have a

competition here for the best one liner and i will have it videoed and posted online on this site.

Joking aside, although i was expecting some negative reactions, the remarks have been hurtful….. after all i am only trying to be me…..  but overall i am

much happier within myself as christina and cannot see myself ever going back to being paul.  i’ve not had a doctor since i moved from Coventry to Kent, but

now i will need to find one as i will need to start hormones etc and i will also need to get permanent hair removal….. all this shaving is doing my head

in!  i would like to eventually have breast implants, but i imagine that will be a while down the line unless we win the lottery or someone wants to make a

generous donation, but i cant see myself having gender realignment surgery…..  my cock is part of christina….. not because i use it, but mainly because

of my love of cbt and chastity.

i had a quick look into having my name officially changed…..  have settled on ‘Christina Darling’ for a couple of reasons… those who knew me as paul

before i moved to Kent know that ‘darling’ was probably the only name which i called every woman that i ever chatted to, flirted with and played with…..  a

conscious effort on my part as i couldn’t remember the names of half of them…. and couldn’t be 100% sure about many more.   i am also quite sure that when

my family find out, i will be disowned because of this (sad i know but i have geared myself up for this for some time), so this seems like the perfect time

to dump my boring family name of ‘Smith’ which doesn’t exactly conjure up images of fun and excitement.  But the main reason is in honour of my Mistress…..

as ‘Darling’ is her surname, and as she has helped me so much with becoming who i am, in giving me courage and support when i needed it, and so it seems only

right that i should take her name…..  i honestly think that without Nikki (and Mistress Kent) by my side (or 10 paces in front of me), i may well have had

a nervous breakdown.

The most nerve wracking time i experienced so far as ‘full time christina’ was Friday…..  before this was all decided i had already been invited by Michael

Cane (via Mistress Kent of course) to the fetish club ‘Surrender’ to be the house submissive for the night and i was to be travelling alone by train….. 

from Ramsgate to West London…..  and now i would be doing it alone as christina…..  i spent the whole day on Friday panicking and flapping…..  i was

sure that i was going to be physically sick on more than one occasion.  It’s one thing walking past people in the street,  especially if you are with someone

else but i thought that stuck in a train with god knows who…..  especially on Saturday when i would be making the return journey….. someone was bound to

say something or have a go, or….. well i don’t know???

As it turned out i had no problems travelling either to or from London, even when i stupidly managed to get myself lost after i got off the London

Underground and went the wrong way only to spend an hour wandering aimlessly around London.  I had a few strange or confused looks, but nothing to cause me

any upset, and whilst at first i was shying away from those looks, i very quickly realised that if i just looked back at them in the face and smiled then

they would either look away or smile back.  It was almost exciting when i got home and later that evening heard the shout of ‘tranny’ because i at least felt

that my fears were in some way justified.

All in all, i would have to say that my first week as christina has been a success…..  i feel happier, more confident and more relaxed in myself…..  two

years ago when i first discovered christina, (i did have thoughts and dreams when i was a child watching Penelope Pitstop when she would when she would be

captured by the hooded claw….. has to google that one to get the names right, lol, and when i was a little older i used to run home from school to dress in

lingerie and masturbate….. but that was as far as my dressing ever went) i will freely admit that dressing as a girl and becoming christina was very much a

sexual thing…..  in that i would do this just for my own sexual kicks and when i was meeting with admirers, but after about six months that side of things

evolved (I would not say faded away as i still did meet with people for fun as christina….. and still do) i spent more time on my own dressed as

christina…..  doing such exciting things as watching a film on tv, or surfing the web, even preparing for presentations for my old job.  That side of me

continued after i moved in with Mistress, after my chores for the day were finished i would dress as christina, when i may or may not do anything more than

watch a film or surf the net.

i started to feel more and more ‘lost’ when i was paul…..  paul spent most of his waking day cleaning and working…..  It was only ever christina who had

any fun and paul was completely without any direction in life.  As such, whilst paul became more withdrawn and moody, christina became more outgoing a

friendly, almost like all of my positive characteristics were transferring into the new me and all (ok, most) of my negative characteristics were being left

behind in the old me (definitely a good thing that it happened that way around, otherwise christina would have been a real bitch).  A bit like an exorcism i

suppose.  The only surprise is that it has taken me until the age of 29 to work out (and to act upon the fact) that i am transgendered…..  Simply put, as

christina rather than paul, i feel more like me!